Hunt, Gather, Parent: a critical review

The audiobook Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff turned out to be mediocre. I had heard it mentioned on a programming podcast by a developer who recently became a parent.

One of my biggest gripes with the book is that the author talks as if she's speaking for all Western countries and how we supposedly all are struggling as parents. She mentions many times her life in an apartment in San Francisco, but talks about how Americans struggle with parenting, and also how we in the Western countries struggle. I grew up in the countryside in Sweden, and several times I felt that her natural parental decisions wouldn't be something I would have done myself. Just within Europe, the cultures are completely different in different countries. I suppose there are big differences within the US too between different states regarding parenting. I think she generalizes a bit too much when she speaks for all of us.

One example of the author's previous behavior was when her daughter wanted to eat dinner as a picnic in the living room, her reaction was 'no' because it would get messy. I myself am playful, and I think I would have reacted in the opposite way in the same situation. Overall, she felt quite controlling throughout the book. But I believe that it's a personal difference. I have friends who are parents who want to keep it tidy, and those who are more messy and playful. I think it's more of a personal difference, rather than something that the whole Western world does.

My second biggest gripe is how she's searching in exotic cultures for what are supposedly better parenting methods. This is connected to my previous point. I think already in our Western countries, we have a lot to learn from our current cultures and from our own history. I think if she looks outside San Francisco in the US as a whole, she will find a ton of great advice too. Granted, my daughter is only 9 months old, so I haven't personally faced the struggles yet that she has had with her daughter. But from my own experience and upbringing, what I have been taught, heard and learned from friends, family and society, I don't think you need to search for weird, exotic, isolated tribes for parental advice. I believe there must be advice in our culture and history that we can learn from already.

Some things she was taught by the tribes I wonder if they really are objectively better, or if it's just cultural differences. For instance, in one family she visited, the mother commanded her children through facial expressions rather than through words, and the author's conclusion was that facial expressions therefore are better than words. But couldn't that just be a cultural difference for how you tell commands? Has anybody really done any scientific study and concluded that it's better for a child to be commanded through eye movements rather than through words?

There were things I question if they really are that pedagogical for children. She explains how she threatens her daughter with throwing her toys if she doesn't clean them up, and how much cleaner and less messy their home is now after having thrown away and donated a bunch of her child's toys. She learned from some tribe about storytelling, and now she's telling how great it is to make her child do things by scaring her with stories about monsters who will take her away if she doesn't put her shoes on and so on. For me, it felt a bit inhumane to use threats and scary stories to coerce a child to do things. Isn't it a form of psychological violence? Sure, it sounded playful and all, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Regarding the lack of scientific backup, she made questionable claims about sleep. She said that continuous sleep for 8 hours is a modern invention, and historically people have slept 6-7 hours in two chunks during the day. But that goes against what I have heard in the book Why We Sleep, which argues for 8 hours of continuous sleep during the night being the best. So that added to my skepticism regarding the scientific rigor Hunt, Gather, Parent rests on.

Then there were things that felt obvious. For instance, she learned that it's better to encourage your child to do things instead of using force; if the child doesn't want to do something particular, then you respect it and try to encourage again another time. Another example was about letting your child take part in your life and be helpful by giving the child tasks that he/she is able to perform. I don't think you need to search far outside San Francisco to find advice like this.

But there were things that I liked and agreed with. What I just mentioned, about giving your child tasks to help you even if it gets messy and takes longer time, I think was sound. I also agree with giving the child autonomy, not needing to have too many toys to entertain the child, to not speak for your child, and to praise the child when he/she acts like a grownup. But that's also a problem with the book, that it argues so poorly for why these ancient, tribal, exotic parenting methods are superior, so I just end up taking to heart and confirming my already existing beliefs.

Lastly, what I want to say is that the book felt too anecdotal. Over and over again the author tells about her different struggles with her daughter Rosy and what advice has worked with her. Again, I would have preferred to read something with more scientific rigor. Empirical evidence based on a sample size of one feels a bit useless. All the storytelling about Rosy and the different families she visited felt like a waste of time, and I think the book would have been more succinct and better without it.

In the end, I cannot recommend this book. The nuggets of practical advice could have been summarized to the length of a blog post instead. But since the claims come across as dubious, even when they confirm my biases, it makes me question their legitimacy.